In a simple equation Hormones = Crazy. And this is the Crazy you can’t hide. Why? Because you can’t control it. It sneaks up on you at the most random moments. There is no warning, no precursor, no “cause.” The roller coaster of emotions and hot flashes just hit and there is nothing you can do but hang on and try not to say too much. Otherwise you will do things you wouldn’t normally do. You will say things that normally your filter would stop you from saying. It’s like being completely out of control of your own body.
I once had a doctor tell me that depression comes in many forms. He said to me, “Depression doesn’t always mean you want to jump off a bridge.” I must have had a strange look on my face because he asked me if I understand “that.” ”Of course I do, ” I replied. I then enlightened this highly educated man that I had no intentions of jumping off a bridge. I was in fact more inclined to push someone off a bridge.” It’s not me, it’s everyone else. I am fine.
That was my mentality then. Today, several years later, I am singing a new tune….. Imagine Aretha Franklin’s tune to R.E.S.P.E.C.T…. now insert H.O.R.M.O.N.E (s). No I do not have an “official” diagnosis as my husband asked but it doesn’t take a Brain Surgeon to figure this one out…. at least if you are a woman. No offense to men, you may see the crazy but you don’t feel it. Thus the reason I have not blogged in a while. That would require a clear mind and dry eyes… of which I have neither.
My brain is one big fog, and the tears come sporadically and without notice. My mundane errands now invoke fear because I do not know if the sight of the slightly wilted lettuce will start a downpour of tears or will it hold off until I reach the one week from expiration date milk. It is so frustrating. I know I should see a doc but that would require cash of which I have very little right now… furlough ( I will leave it at that for fear of a rant from the lunatic that looms within.) And let’s not even mention the weight gain. No matter what I do… the pounds are packing on. It’s like watching a water balloon expand but the balloon is my body. One day I can wear my rings, the next I can’t. One day I have clothes that fit, the next day I am considering buying the elastic waist pants that all grandmas use to wear. Can you say P.O.L.Y.S.T.E.R!
My mom has discovered Dr. Daniel Amen who specializes in women’s brains. If you haven’t read his books, I do recommend them. He has a clinic near where I live. You pay $4300 for two days of testing, one day consultation in the office and one hour phone consultation with a hormone specialist in California…. I forget his name, no shock there. (Now that I write all this out, it sounds kind of hokey.) However as I read his book, it’s like he is describing my life right now. One minute happy, one minute sad and crying, one minute hot and sweaty, one minute cold and needing a sweater. I can’t remember people’s names or what I needed at the grocery store. The list of emotions I go through every single day now is too long to list and honestly it wears me out thinking about it… not to mention makes me cry…. again!
What’s the problem you ask? Money, guilt, stress, laziness. To do the testing is expensive. Yes my mom is paying for it, but if she were to have $4300 to give, I would much prefer it go towards my daughter’s college fund. She heads to college next year. This leads us to guilt. My parents paid for my education. My husband used his father’s G.I. bill to pay for his education. I feel like we owe it to our kids to pay for college. I know many will disagree but it’s how I feel. This all leads to stress. How can we pay for college when we are barely making it now. I am amazed at how losing over $1200 a month has effected us ( again furlough and political views… I will spare you for now) This leads to more stress. What if one of us lost our jobs, how would we make it. If my husband retires, there is no way we could stay in our current home, with our current bills and be able to pay everything. This leads to more stress… why do we over spend? That’s a whole other blog. This leads to laziness or paralysis… not sure which. Going to the doctor would require driving a fairly long distance in a lot of traffic and then having to drive back for three days in a row. That would require taking time off from work. That would require finding someone to work for me. I’m exhausted just thinking about all this. And the tears are on the verge again.
Even in my own head I feel like I sound like Charlie Brown’s teacher, “wah wah waah wah wah waah wah.” Nothing but noise. Even my other daughter said she is going to start calling me “Patches” because I having so many patches of moods.
So what do I do? I pray. That doesn’t require money, planning, too much effort and I can sometimes get through it without crying or wanting to throw something.
So when I prayer, here is what is in my heart and my head…
Dear Heavenly Father,
Please have mercy on me, my family and the vegetable section at the store. Please do not let the lettuce wilt, for it will make me cry. Please let the plums not be overripe, for it will make me cry. Please let the green onions not be slimy, for it will make me cry. Wait… slimy onions make me angry… Please let the onions be perfectly fresh for fear I will throw all the slimy ones at the produce clerk. Please let everyone stay home while I shop for fear I will put a cattle guard on my cart and just bulldoze my way through the store.
Lord, please allow the hot flashes to subside or at least allow me funding to help with the electric cost of the freezer door being opened all the time while I try to crawl inside. Perhaps some wool blankets during this summer time for my family who are all freezing do to the AC being kept at subzero. (And yes I do threaten them with their lives if they go near the thermostat.) A little extra funding to help cover that electric cost would be much appreciated as well.
And not to seem ungrateful, Lord I want to thank for Kleenex, Melatonin, breathable fabric, waterproof mascara, space heaters, the Freezer, a sturdy washer (to accommodate the night sweats), and a family who still loves me even when I can’t hide my crazy.